NOLA day one:
Flight from DFW to MSY
I’m stuck in the middle of teenage church group. Luckily, there were no kumbayas to be heard but the leader did snort phlegm obsessively. Thank god for sitting in the back and engine noise. I go to the bathroom, open the door, where one of these pre-pubescent angels is “engaged” and talking on his iphone. Apparently they don’t teach locks in Sunday school. He doesn’t seem to care. If that had happened to me, I would’ve A) waited in that bathroom until the plane landed and if that were not possible, B) lit myself on fire until I was fully consumed.
My room at the W is unbelievable. Total rock star room. Where Ed got some frilly floral nonsense that looks like a grandma brothel, mine is the opposite. Stark, minimalist, white. The receptionist was over-cheery reminding me that I was a W special guest and that I was WELCOME and that my WISH was her command and a whole lot of other stuff starting with W. She frightened me.
We made our way down to Bourbon Street starving and wound up at an overpriced non-noteworthy place to eat. I did notice that despite the linens, the other patrons managed to bring in cups of Huge Ass Beer. I know this because their plastic cups say Huge Ass Beer on them. The meal was meh but we were in a hurry to start debauchering. We walked down Bourbon Street and saw many places advertising Barely Legal girls. We got a Planter’s Punch from one of the street vendors and it tasted like a Flintstone vitamin and Everclear.
Made our way to the “oldest gay bar in New Orleans” which apparently meant the patrons. Frightening. After that, we headed to the 700 club. Much better. Regular bar feel but with Britney Spears and Abba videos. We made the bartender make us blue drinks. Don’t remember getting back to the hotel but here I am.
Day 2:
We start off walking to Café Du Monde. It is PACKED with black and gold. We head to a restaurant next door whose only claim to fame seems to be “Next to Café Du Monde and not crowded!” I need to learn to avoid restaurants with no wait. Dry eggs benedict. There is the standard tourist attraction of the silver robot guy. He’s the worst I’ve ever seen and that’s saying something. What leads one to this career choice? Is it an aptitude test that says “You would excel in a career as a forest ranger or silver robot guy?” Head over to the cathedral and happen to catch Sunday mass. It’s absolutely stunning inside. The “paintings” of Camaros and Saints football players outside, not so much. I got a picture of a priest talking to security on a golf cart that just strikes me as hilarious.
We walk and walk and walk with no real destination. We found a gallery of photography that was amazing and the guy gave us several good restaurant recommendations. Went back to Café Du Monde for the mounds of powdered sugar beignets and coffee. Of course, we had to take the standard picture of cutting powdered sugar into lines with my corporate credit card and send to my boss, because I excel in career advancement. Walked up to the riverside front which was gorgeous. The weather is perfect. Went and saw a “Hurricane on the Bayou” documentary at the Imax. It was beautiful, happy, depressing and hokey all at the same time. After that, a much needed nap and shower .
We went to Mandina’s which is a homey Cajun style place. It’s packed and a great place to people watch. I LOVE that accent. Although the Saints lost, there are still loud rousing cheers from drunk people all around. I love that old ladies knock back cocktails in the south. There’s a woman beside us with 3 empty gins, happy as a clam. There’s an old man bothering the hostess about when his table will be ready. She decides we’re much nicer and patient and puts a heart by our name on the list. Aw. Later, that lovely country charm I love about Lousiana shows it’s subtle racism when she comes by our table to tell us that a group of (whispered) “black people” are impatient for their table also. The waiters and busboys are cute little Cajun boys and we swoon. The food is ok, but better than we’ve had. The bourbon pudding is a sumptious bite of decadence.
After that, we head to the Bourbon Pub/Palace which is a gay bar with downstairs showing videos from Abba to Lady Gaga, interspersed with segments of Golden Girls. I'm in love the gay who put this shit together. Eventually, I am targeted by the drunkest and sweatiest of the gays who want to dance with me and call me chere, Kevin and Eric. They say they love my hair. They will not leave us alone. We had to retreat to another area of the bar where another drunk sweaty guy pulls me out to dance to Uptown Girl. Apparently, I look like an uptown girl. We get the liquid courage to go to the second floor where it’s more of the thumping coke-fueled dancing. Ed is on a mission to find the DJ and make him play Britney Spears. Unsuccessful. In the ladies room, there are no doors and extremely cold stainless steel toilet seats. And lots of men. After much carousing, we decide to call it a night. At least I remember getting home.
Day 3:
My face is puffed up from some kind of allergy and my eyes are almost closed shut. No rest for the wicked.
Welty Deli for lunch . Roast beef and cheddar. It’s good. Ed’s fruit salad, straight from a lunch snack pack. Gross. Cute well-dressed men everywhere in the business district. We get on the bus for the city tour, headed by Milton. Friendly older guy and of course, I love his accent. Ed’s about to fall asleep. Luckily, nothing too obnoxious on the tour, except a few bad jokes by the guide. But I let him get away with it because of his accent. This city really is gorgeous. And we saw the lower 9th ward. Very sobering. I was surprised to find out how much Brad Pitt’s done for the city. Good for you Mr Jolie! We went to a cemetary with the above ground tombs and Milton had lots of detail about how they break up corpses and throw them in a bag to fit multiple family members in one tomb. Cool.
Last night was a dud. Ed was tired. Nothing was open, or it was packed. Went to Café Maspero for more substandard fare. I refuse to go down like that again.
Day 4:
Went to Mother’s. We have finally learned that if there’s a line, there’s a reason there’s a line and you should probably shut up and wait in it. There are no “hidden gems” left you’re going to discover. Trust.
Mother’s was great, mostly for atmosphere. They serve a meat called “debris” and I’m very sorry I didn’t order that. I don’t know if that’s a pre or post Katrina term. Got the baked ham and cheese omelette, biscuits and grits. Yum. More than anything, the waitresses hollering at each other and calling you babies are the key. “I’m gonna get you some more butter babies. Y’all just hush.” Wish I had ordered 8 more things to try.
Off to the Aquarium. Another long line because this dumbass tourist lost her ticket from the other day. Found it was ALSO closed on Monday like the rest of the city so I’m glad we didn’t try to come. It is gorgeous. I touched a stingray and a shark! The stingray feels like wet boob. The shark feels sandy. Everything was really interesting and some of the kids are cute but dammit if they don’t get in the way of our photo ops. I want to stick my head inside the aquarium and take a picture! However, we did manage to get the touristy photo of our faces photoshopped onto muscle bodies. Hooray!.
We saw the museums on the tour yesterday….as in “Oh look, there’s the museum.” Were thinking of doing it today but we have done a lot of walking and just couldn’t. Instead I have FINALLY convinced Ed to day drink with me. My favorite thing.
We have the requisite hurricane at Pat O’Briens on a beautiful afternoon. Megan recommended Yo Mama across the street. Dumb name but a damn damn good bloody mary made by adorable bartender Erica. A guy coming in for lunch who knows her insists he’s on the wagon but has 3 shots of Jager with his hamburger lunch anyway. We were still too full but the hamburgers looked and smelled amazing. They have one with sour cream and caviar and another with peanut butter bacon. Erica, I may see you again tonight.
Back to the room for restorative naps and showers and on to dinner.
Dinner at Acme Oyster Company. We’re in line with a perfectly nice Asian woman who happens to be from Austin and won’t stop talking to us. Perfect food. Drunk lady and man next to us insisting his driver’s license picture looks “stoned.” Oyster shucker talking about how the stoned guy looks like Clint Eastwood from Smokey and the Bandit. Yep. Back to the Bourbon Bar for videos and drinks. 700 club for more videos and drinks. Ed finally gets the giant green hand grenade for tourists and he becomes very jolly indeed.
Day 5:
Little to no sleep. Very hung over. I arrive at 8 looking like Courtney Love. Why did we save our big night for the night before we left? Because we are dumb. My flight from MSY to DFW has extreme turbulence. I seriously consider holding the hand of the guy next to me or his wife. Finally home where my liver can rest. Until New Year’s the next day…


